Do you ever feel like you are so much cooler on the internet? That one profile picture you took out of what seems like 500, that doesn’t look like you because it looks so much better than you do in “real life” or that no one needs to see your insecurities because you are not in a public place thinking everyone is staring at your awkwardness. (You think people think you are up to no good because you can’t sit still or you are shifty and twitchy. If only they knew it was your anxiety) that on the internet you can choose how much of yourself people can see, like that they can only see you from your shoulders up and you are totally fine with that because the rest of your body looks like Jabba the Hutt.
Today my social anxiety was so bad that I literally made myself unconsciously nauseated all day because i didn’t want to go out in public to pick my son up from school. I was so overwhelmed with being inside my own head and my own toxic negative self abusing thoughts that i literally wanted to shrivel up and die while sitting waiting for the bus. That i almost started crying trying to find something to wear that didn’t show how fat i really am when im walking, that i had to find something that wouldn’t show off my fat if the wind was blowing at me. This is what i think… why? How did this start?
Well i can think of a couple answers… since being pregnant and moving to a new town 6 years ago I have not made one single connection to a group of friends. I have not found someone that I feel comfortable with. When i say comfortable i mean. I feel like a Sasquatch with the people i have managed to be around sometimes, I feel less than and i don’t feel good enough to be around them. So in this last 6 years and counting I have literally been a hermit. I wake up at 5am get myself ready… GET MYSELF READY AS IN: have a shower and do my hair and makeup… why??? Not to go to work, not to see friends, not to do anything at all that would entail that i have a social life… No, I get ready at 5 in the morning so i can take my son to school and then sit at a bus stop for 45min then i come home, or go to the store for groceries. Sure i have appointment with people and I am trying to get my life back on track but these people aren’t my friends. Another reason is that I have probably gained i don’t know how many pounds but enough to make me feel very unattractive, I feel ugly. I think this is the biggest one is that my self confidence is literally nonexistent. Even on the internet I can look put together and everything but even there i am nothing. I don’t feel important to anyone anywhere other than my son and people say “well that should be enough!” and it’s a great feeling but it’s not enough. What am i to my son when i am not happy?
So what do i do to feel alive? I draw, because that seems to be the only thing i am somewhat good at. I have dreams and goals long term and short. I go one day at a time. I know i am not who i used to be 7 years ago. I hate that people who meet me now symbolize me as a worry wart or that i have anxiety or low self confidence, because that was not how i was categorized before. I don’t want to give up on life i am 27 and i need to catch up on so much and i have so much more to live for. I need to win this constant war zone in my head and move on with life. One day it will happen. I don’t want to be scared of people, I don’t want to be alone, and I want to feel free and not trapped in my on insecurities. I am not Jenn the girl that is scared of everything. I am fun, funny, smart, creative, caring, and a good person, THAT is who i am. I guess that’s all i have to say… I am starting to doubt this whole thing and the mistakes i have made writing this! I am not a writer… anyway i don’t know when i will feel better but i need to start somewhere.